we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
