Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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