last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
