Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
