Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
