I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you had me at cake vodka
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
