Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Randomize