I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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