Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
