Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
