mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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