I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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