Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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