the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
