Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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