All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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