The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
