I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
