Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
