I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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