At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
