Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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