so that wasnt chicken after all
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let's get the cat blown out
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
