My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
