I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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