I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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