I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
