so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize