Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
