youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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