Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
