Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
