I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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