Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
