I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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