Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
