I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
And then my night got REAL pukey
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
