Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
