let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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