I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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