Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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