he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Acid is not a monday night drug
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
