Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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