If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
