Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
