you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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