he wants to bone in the snuggie
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
