based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
