Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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