When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
