Will you blow on my dice?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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