youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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