some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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