Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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