is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
