I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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