i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize