So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
