Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
