i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
