LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
